Funniest Christmas Letter EVER!!

I received this in an email today (so I can’t take credit for any of this) and COULD. NOT. STOP. LAUGHING.  It may be because I deal with contracts every single day of my existence, but either way, the humor and possible reality of this email is hilarious.  In fact, it’s so funny it’s almost sad.  There’s a hint of today’s youth involved, so if this is where we are headed…well, I’ll let you read it and decide.


Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus


Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?


Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!


* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.


* *


That’s what I thought you little bastard.



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41 Responses

  1. This was so funny I had to pass this on to my twitter peeps. :)

    1. Thank you! You tweeted your boys? Lol. I hope they enjoy it as much as i did :)

    1. Thanks, I thought so too!! And it’s always a relief to hear people say they liked something I found to be hilarious…otherwise, I might begin to recognize the signs of insanity! :)

    1. Thank you! Merry Christmas to you and yours Drew!!!

  2. I’m not messing with Santa EVER again. Can’t risk it. ;-)

    1. I know, right EEE?? Valuable lesson for us all. LOL :)

  3. Oh that so damn funny :-D Got to share that anyway possible

    1. Thanks Alastair and Merry Christmas to you and yours!! :)

  4. Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
    This was just too funny not to share….

    1. Absolutely honored to share!! Laughs for everyone :)

      1. It was my honor to be able to share and Thank You for sharing with the world. Happy Holidays

  5. [...] Reblogged from Jill of All Trades…Expert of None!: [...]

    1. Thank you! I’m always a little gushy on a re-blog lol :)

  6. [...] Reblogged from Jill of All Trades…Expert of None!: [...]

  7. Thank you for posting this, this is awesome!

    1. No problem! I hoped you all would love it. We all needed a laugh, huh? Have a terrific day!!

  8. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:
    It’s the last reblog Thursday ever…mostly because the end of the world is tomorrow…otherwise I would keep doing them. Maybe I’ll keep doing them anyway, even if there is no such thing as computers anymore. I’ll just chisel them out on a cave wall until one day I get really tired and bored of doing them…kind of like the Mayan’s did with their calendar.

    “Hey, Mayan Bob…do you want a beer?”

    “Sure Mayan Tim. I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.”

    Oh well…

    Enjoy this little Christmas Santa takes no crap from no one post from Jill of All Trades.

    1. Omg!!! I am so honored. Thank you very much and Merry Christmas!!

        1. Thanks for reblogging it, Chris! Twas hilarious! :)

  9. That is brilliant!! Santa has revealed a hard edge I never suspected…and excellent legal knowledge. Jen

    1. Ikr! He’s much tougher than I realized or I guess I thought Mrs Santa was the disciplinarian! Lol.

      1. I’m sure I will enjoy reading up on and following your blog when I get a bit more time. Jen xx

  10. Reblogged this on Thoughts from a Tin Woman and commented:
    I haven’t laughed this hard in while. This is truly hilarious!

  11. Reblogged this on Reality in Progress and commented:
    In the spirit of Christmas and all good wishes, I simply had to re-blog this hilarious piece of honest communication :)

  12. HA! Santa put that kid in his place! Go SC!

    1. Let’s be clear that SC stands for Santa Claus :) Wouldn’t want any of my rivals thinking that you were rootin’ for them, Jill! ;) UCLA, ALL THE WAY BABYYY! <3 :P

      1. OF COURSE! My love for you just grew tenfold!

      2. (are you a UCLA alum too?)

        1. Yesssssssss!! OMG, ARE YOU?!

          1. I AM! Class of 2010! OMG – UCLA BUDDIES! I am so spazzing! WHAT IF WE HAD A CLASS TOGETHER ONCE?!

            1. WTF. NO FREAKING WAY!!!!! I’M CLASS OF 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

              What was your major?!?! Where did you live? I lived in the dorms! I’M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!

              1. I LIVED IN THE DORMS TOO!!! Hedrick, then Saxon, then Dykstra (I missed the dorms after the suites and went back, ha!), then studied abroad my senior year.
                What was your favorite hall and dining hall? :)

                I was a BS Anthropology, so I was all over both North and South campus. What were you?

                1. Oh my gosh, how funny!!! I lived in Delta from 2007-2010!! I was a SL and a PA at some point!

                  Yeah people always thought I was crazy for living in the dorms – super fun!!

                  Wow, that’s amazing! Where did you study abroad?!

                  Oh my goodness…they revamped almost all of the dining halls so it became hard for me to choose… Covel is great for breakfast/brunch on the wknds. Those cooked-to-order omelets…so good! We would make the “trek” up to Hedrick on special occasions :P Clearly Delta was my favorite because I stayed there all 3 years but now I wish I had bounced around. I feel like I would have met more people.

                  Oh nice! I was Computer Science and Engineering but I enjoyed Creative Writing/Journalism type stuff so I bounced around too taking random elective classes.

                  This is still so mind boggling, it cracks me up!!

  13. This is beyond hilarious!!!

  14. Greedy snd demanding kids should only hear two things: “PULL!” AND “BOOM!” As theirgreedy mcnuggets spread across the grounds.

    The parents responsible for instilling such a strong and defiant “Thw World worships Me” mentality should the gauntlet at Seal Island in South Africa.

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